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Mar. 5th, 2012

Hi, I'm here. But not for long. Just wanted to take a little look-see around then head out to better places on the interwebs. LJ is a bit too...triggering, I guess, for me to hang out long on.

The events in my life these days are fairly basic. I know looking back I'm always shocked to read my entries, and realize where I was in life at that time, but I honestly don't have much to say about my current happenings. Saphira just started walking, at 10 months. That's about it. My babies are growing up so quick.

I don't particularly want drama in my life. But it'd be nice to have.. an obsession, again. It could be a thing. Like gardening. Or chickens. I really REALLY want chickens, but I don't think it's going to be quite enough to satisfy my need for a hobby to throw myself into full force.

I can't believe I'm almost 30. Even though I'm married with kids and all that jazz, it doesn't feel like I've done anything to deserve turning 30. I'm still basically 22. 23, tops.

I'm perpetually tired. I think I'll go work on that. Maybe a little nap.

Sep. 20th, 2011

This is a bit too gay for FB but I just gotta say say somewhere, watching my two kids interact with each other just about lights up my goddamn life. It's surreal to say the least that from my only child woes I have produced two delightful siblings who, so far, seem very much to care about each other. It makes me feel good to know after I'm gone, at least I won't have left my children all alone.

Really, I can't believe how perfectly they both turned out.

Tags:

I can't sleep. My mind is a jumbled mess and I really wish I had something better than an internet phone to help sort things out.

I was a total jerk today to undeserving people simply bc I honestly didn't give a flying fuck about the situation and I've noticed this is a common and disturbing trend.

I was supposed to work but I basically walked out and my poor coworker was all "um you can't leave everyone will make me do your job.." and I shrugged and said not my fucking problem. Why cant I care more?

At the same time I'm riddled with emotions. I'm such a contradiction.

Also, I can't sleep.

My children stress me out to a near breaking point. I worry about their well being to th3 point I can't even relax to go out to dinner without them. I wish I could just relax. Maybe I need some pot or something. I am trying. I really am. I just don't think I'm cut out for this. Marriage and kids and all. I want to be selfish again, and now I'm lashing out at the innocent just to get that sense of being able to do whatever the eff you want again. Christ. Goodnight.

Birth #2

Finally, finally I am not pregnant anymore.

Home births beat hospital births by about a million. This birth was far less pleasant, longer, more painful, and just generally not as nice. It wasn't awful, though.

My original plan had been to labor at home as long as possible, since I had a suspicion I would be in labor for a long time, as that's how it was with James. But that plan didn't end up working out.

grisly details of TMICollapse )

Anyway, she ended up being 9lbs and 21.5 inches long. So much bigger than James. And she looks it, too. She was one fat, squishy baby. Newborns all look alike to me, and I can't say she was "perfect" or "cute" or anything like that, other than the fact that she had all her fingers and toes and such, and she was no uglier than any other fat, squishy newborn.

After much consternation and debate, we finally decided to name her Saphira Rose. The name mostly came out of nowhere and desperation, because it wasn't on our list anywhere.

Before she was born, we were really leaning towards Wendy, but she didn't look like a Wendy at all. Then I was considering Charlotte very heavily, but I was concerned it was too popular. It's in the top 10 names these days for girls.

I was still sort of hung up on the idea of having a greek name, and this grew stronger when I saw she had the more olive colored skin tone and darker hair to match her greek heritage (Adam is Greek on his mother's side so she's got it in her blood too). I also wanted something to do with "fire" since she was an Aries, and hopefully feisty. Adam's favorite name had to be counted out, because although it meant "fiery one" in Greek, in English it meant "gum disease."

Randomly I stumbled across Sapphiere, which is Greek for Sapphire (obviously) and since in Greek the e's at the end of words are actually pronounced, it makes it a 3 syllable word. So I decided to go with an Americanized version of that, and name her Saphira. I thought briefly about spelling it Safira, since the 'fira' part is easily relatable to 'fire' but in the end, the ph spelling looked less trendy and weird to me.

So that's that. After I named her, I googled it and learned Sapphira was a woman in the Bible, who was someone's wife and eventually killed by God for lying. So I suppose in a way it also matches with James as far as being Biblical.

She's a few days old now, and doing pretty well. I'm just glad to be un-pregnant finally.

That is all, for now.
worry and doubt, worry and doubt.. always follow excitement and hope. What if this is a stupid idea? What if it's just flights of fancy?

Must remove my mind from the big picture and focus on small things for now.. give things time to fall into place. My control freak nature wants everything to happen ASAP and exactly as I dictated in my mind, but that is not reality... must factor in room for reality in all future plans..

In other news, for some reason I have been obsessing over Greek names for the moment. I think I've pretty much decided on Charlotte if we want to go the "traditional" route, Everly or Ellery/Ellison for the "trendy" route, and Phaedra for the totally obscure route. Charlotte is definitely a front runner, I'm just not quite sure if I'm ready to commit.

greek names!Collapse )

ramble bramble

So to update on my pregnancy, mostly for my own knowledge: It sucks, I hate it, I feel HUGE, I feel ready to pop, my belly is never comfortable, I pee constantly, my hips hurt... ugh. The nice thing about having the same due date is I can just look back at this exact date 2 years ago to see if I felt the same.. yup, I did. Miserable.

To update on everything else: Gosh, I don't want to jinx it.. but there are some pretty exciting things in the works. It all hinges on so many "what ifs" coming true, so I just pray they do.. As usual, I feel like my life is right on the brink.. if I could just shove myself over the edge, I'd be in a much better place. Alas, complacency is a huge bad habit of mine.

Money money money.. why must you hold me back so? "Lottery games should be played for fun and not investment purposes" Adam and I can't wait until we win and are interviewed...We're not going to be all "oooh, that was so FUN!" we're going to be "Goddamn, that $1 was a good investment!" And then all like "Yeah we used to be millionares but we wasted it all away on lottery tickets.. thank god we finally won! What are we going to do with our money now? Reinvest!"

Ahaha. Can't. Wait. Adam and I will be the funniest rich people ever, which I why I feel we are so deserving to win. DO YOU HEAR THAT UNIVERSE? WANT A GOOD LAUGH? GIVE ME A MILLION BUCKS!

Pregnancy is definitely starting to make me a bit crazy, but I kind of like it. My brain works in different ways, and it's fun to see the change. Unfortunately babies are starting to consume my life. No one else cares what kind of big boy bed I want to get with James, but alas, it weighs on my mind. I shall try and refrain from posting a zillion pictures of my squishy wrinkly ugly helpless infant once it arrives. Does anyone care when my baby starts to coo? No. I barely care.

On the bright side, we paid ALL our credit cards down to almost $0, and having that cushion of money on available credit feels nice, not to mention our credit jumped about 70 points, which instantly made me want to go buy a new car. Probably a bad idea, so I'm strongly trying to resist.

February.. please be kind. March.. please be easy. April... please be easy labor. Is that too much to ask?

Alive

F list...

I'm still here. I check you weekly. Just too busy rearing a son to find a free hand to type.

That is all

I request more drunken entries from everyone!

random

So I watched "Sex Drive" last night on Netflix, thinking it was 2am and it would be so incredibly mindless I'd fall asleep out of sheer boredom in a few minutes. It started off promising: Utterly worthless. But for some reason I kept watching, and it turned into an actually funny movie, and what's more, the lead female didn't annoy me, because she actually seemed very realistic. I mean, other than the goth look and the lack of onscreen drinking, I practically WAS that girl in high school.

Then the movie made me really miss being in high school, and having high school crushes, and being young and free like high schoolers are. I felt a bit jealous of them, I have to say. Also, Seth Green, who I haven't liked since Can't Hardly Wait, actually had a really funny part in the movie. I ended up staying awake to watch the whole goddamn thing, and although the end was predictable (boy and girl wind up together, duh) the way it went down was well thought out, I thought.

I am pleased to see that I did in fact wake up this morning though, since there was a small percentage of Apocalypse coming in the night. They turned on the Large Hadron Collider at CERN today. Well, it's been on for awhile, but today they actually started smashing atoms together. No giant black hole or engulfing strangelet has appeared yet, so we might be in the clear. Might. I've seen one too many disaster movies to discount it entirely until we're safely into 2013.

I'm starting to get rather excited for my upcoming wedding. The fact that I'm technically already married has stopped bothering me, and now I kind of like it. Firstly, I won't be all paranoid that everything go right on my big day, or fall apart in a bucket of tears or anything silly like that.

Also, is it just me, or are others naturally skeptical at weddings too? I go, and it's generally fun, and then I always think "Well, there's a 55% chance this is going to end very badly. I should get them something that's easily dividable, like silverware or two shot glasses."

I don't think most people know what they're getting into when they get married. But I do, since I've been married for over a year now. So at least I can go into my own wedding with a sense that it's going to stick. Granted, one year is far from a lifetime (I hope) but the amount of marriages that fall apart in the first year astounds me. I don't think anyone really would have taken my first marriage seriously since it happened so fast and out of the blue, but hopefully this one will elicit a little less cynicism.

I actually feel pretty lucky in my marriage. Sometimes I feel old and tied down, especially when I watch youngsters in the prime of their lives learning lessons the hard way and I get all nostalgic, but for the most part I think I'm much more satisfied these days than I used to be. Also I like having Adam around and I'm pretty sure I'd fall apart if I had to go back to being on my own.

Sidenote: Sometimes having a baby drives me nuts. Really. James is pretty cool, and I love him lots and all, but goddamn kid, sometimes I just want to sit on the couch and stare into space for a few hours, why you gotta keep pooping all the time?

Wedding

Dear World,

I am currently doing my wedding invitations. Apparently there is etiquette up the wazoo for how to properly word invitations. I've decided I frankly don't care. The invitation is supposed to indicate who is paying, the type of service, blah blah blah... I'm supposed to use Adam's army title and shit.

Yeah.. no. Adam and I are paying for the wedding, I can just tell you that now, outright, instead of using some backwards wording method on the invitation to let you know we're paying. He's in the army, and everyone knows that. It's going to be at a church but if I don't fit the words holy matrimony on there, you can still assume it will be a catholic wedding, okay?

I'm sorry if Emily Post is going to be horrified at my invitations, but I just can't bring myself to care.

PS you're all invited anyway, so these invitations are somewhat useless anyway.

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