I have decided the wimpy fireworks sold here will never again suffice. If they don't shoot at least 20 feet in the air and make huge explosions, why bother?

While Official Firework displays are pretty awesome (Seaside is still the best I've seen so far) most of the fun comes from playing with explosives and watching people light their own illegal display.

Knowing someone willing to spend $1000 on fireworks helps with this immensely. The fact that they had some mishaps and some large fireworks blew up on the GROUND right by my infant baby just makes the holiday ALL the more festive. I approved. James slept. All was well. At least 3 or 4 big ones must have exploded on the ground near us. The Fire officials didn't even bother to stop the hoards of people lighting off their mortars all over the "no firework" zone.

I wish it was the 4th again already. I miss it. I want to see more pretty explosions. This year was very Apocalyptic because of the fog. You could see bonfires everywhere.. the dudes next to us lit a TREE on fire.. and that made the fog/smoke glow an eerie orange all over, and then you'd hear the roar of the ocean and BOOM from fireworks and look up and see explosions... much fun.

I love the 4th so much. The next best holiday is New Years, because you also get to see fireworks then too, but as it's not in appreciation of AMERICA it is lessened a bit in fun. You have to make up for it by being drunk.

Hopefully next year I will be in a position to shell out thousands of dollars on explosives for the 4th. My kid will be like 16 months, which is plenty old to play with sparklers. We raise em right around these parts.

So for the 4th I went to the beach.

Things learned:

-There is a man out there in this Universe somewhere named Hotface. He provides amusement for me, and something much more for Kim and Adam. I am glad he exists

-Fog ruins fireworks. But people shooting off illegal fireworks fixes that!

-Tying 8 mortars together = win

I hope my baby is not secretly ugly. He is cute to ME, and no one is going to say to my face he looks a bit downy. But he could. I don't know. Anyway. I'm going to go watch some home shopping now.

Adam has been taken away by the Military and shipped off to war camp. I feel a bit like Kim Jong Il - so wonley and sadwy awone.

So. Not this Friday, but NEXT Friday, we were thinking of having a big party of debauchery for Adam's going away to Army and all that jazz. But not TOO debauchery like because then we have to PARTY HARD again the next day for the BEST GODDAMN HOLIDAY EVAH!!!!!!!!!!!

I invite you all to the festivities.

It will probably be at our place, but perhaps dinner and drinks somewhere fun beforehand? Can't say for sure. We'll go with the flow.

I finally got around to watching Mama Mia on DVD today. The first few minutes were truly awful and once I realized the movie was going to be a piece of crap, it was much easier to enjoy. The singing was actually pretty good, so I didn't hate it since I just googled things like the space elevator and the hollow moon while watching, and got to listen to ABBA in the background.

The *actual* musical, on stage, is MUCH funnier. Someday I will see in on Broadway and then my life will be complete.

Darth Vader: Luke, I know what you are getting for Christmas
Luke: Noooo! That's impossible.
Darth: I felt your presents.

Also:
Best prosthetic EVER. If I lose a leg, first I will be depressed and contemplate suicide and turn emo for life, but then I will get me one of these:

The National Weather Service just issued a tornado warning!

Then one apparently touched down by I5 outside Salem.

Crazy weather.

Severe Storm Warning with quarter inch hail and deadly lightning has been issued until midnight.

The Apocalypse is off to a good start!

(I have yet to see the lightning but I'm sure it's on its way... I don't like thunderstorms so I do not look forward to it)

I'm getting cut open in 12 hours! And then I will have 1 less organ.

"Intervention" was less than impressive tonight. But I always think so when it's not an alcoholic. Perhaps my expectations are too high now. How do you top drinking hand sanitizer?

I feel like watching Arrested Development again. I miss George Michael.

5 weeks old!



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So I just HAPPEN to be AWAKE at 6am and listening to the radio. Jammin 107.5 to be exact even though I particularly hate that station in the morning with their stupid "playhouse" crap.

BUT this morning they happen to be playing the BACKSTREET BOYS singing "She's a Dream" and they're all "You'll NEVER EVER NEVER NEVER guess who THAT is!" and going on about how they LOVE the song.

BUT THANKS TO MY TWIN I HAPPEN TO JUST KNOW!

So I try and try and try to call in to say HA! IN YOUR FACE to them but I keep getting a busy signal every time.

THEN TO MAKE IT WORSE... THey are having a morning quiz for a prize. The question? What was the biggest real estate purchase ever made in the USA?

Oooh! Oooh! *raises hand* I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

I mean if you've made it through 5th grade, YOU should know!

So they start giving hints... it happened in 1803... okay.... it included land west of the Mississippi....some thousands of square miles... ARRGGGHHHHHH

At this point I'm IRATE at the douchebags who are all "THe.. Foreign Purchase!" and "The Colorado Purchase!" and I'm like WTF GUYS? WHO HAS HEARD OF 'The Foreign Purchase?' NO ONE BECAUSE IT ISN'T REAL! (Although it should be because the USA should just buy out the rest of the world already... $350 BILLION dollars should about do it... oh wait.... Thanks Obama for buying some stupid Chevys when you could have bought WORLD DOMINATION!)

WHO HASNT HEARD OF THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE???????

But I KEEP GETTING THE EFFING BUSY SIGNAL.

AND THEY KEEP PLAYING THE BACKSTREET BOYS GODAWFUL SONG BECAUSE NO ONE CAN GUESS!

And RIGHT when I get through... the DJ is all "It's the BACKSTREET BOYS YO!" and some other cuntface gets Lousiana Purchase after they give so many hints they're practically "It's the Lousian-something purch-something!"

I am too angry for words.

It's 7am now. Maybe I can sleep it off.

Okay finally here are some pictures of my baby James.



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People keep asking me what I'm going to call him. Well, um, his name is James, so that would be your first clue as to what I call him. They're all "what about Jim or Jimmy" but I didn't name him Jim, I named him James. I don't see why a one syllable word needs to be further shortened.

I can't believe it's only 9:30am and I've already been up for 2 hours. I haven't gotten more than 4 hours of sleep at a time in over a week now. I do feel exhausted at times, but during the day, especially when it is sunny like this, I feel fine.

It's still hard to believe that I have a baby. A week ago, this thing was living inside me, making me miserable. Now he just makes me sleep deprived and dirty, since I'm always covered in some sort of poopy or pee or spittle or leaky milk or something. Still, I much prefer him outside of me.

So there you have it. That's all for now.

A giant frozen cup of caffeine!

It feels good to not have to worry (so much) about what I consume these days.

Normally I'm not so much for the caffeine... but this is nice.

So, firstly, anyone who wants to be called or texted when I go into labor should let me know. You should let me know if you prefer a call or a text, if you'd like to know when I'm in labor or wait after the baby is born, and if you want to be there, or come over shortly after to break out the cognac and cigars, and if 4am is an appropriate time to be all "Hey I just pooed out a baby!"

In other news, Nielsen TV Research sent me a big packet in the mail saying my household has been selected to be part of their TV research to gather data, and they also sent me $2 and a survey to fill out! Fun! I like feeling like I have influence on things, so it's nice to know my TV actually counts towards viewership of crap shows that I now choose to watch.

WHO IS AVAILABLE AFTER 5PM TOMORROW TO BE MY WITNESS TO GET MARRIED?

We need 2 of you. But more can come if they'd like.

We have an appt w/ Judge Bloch at the courthouse at "anytime after 5pm."

"America is not at war. The American Military is at war. America is at the mall."

Whoever said that is mostly right, except I might change "mall" to "walmart" and that would pretty much sum up my feelings on Iraq.

Anyway I dont' really want to go on about Iraq, as it's just a minor detail in my life right now. Instead I'll talk about something I do have a deep personal love for... $$$$$$$.


Anyway. This is probably long.. ( Obama, money, taxes, etc.. just my own humble opinions )

You know, I find it rather interesting that the "election to end racism in America" has been so widely celebrated based solely on skin color. Since Obama doesn't really have a whole lot of accomplishments under him, I guess we have no choice but to be all "He's BLACK so lets CELEBRATE!" but I do find it a bit ironic how bluntly the race card is being played over and over.

Like someone else said, if Obama starts to do well, we white people should start a petition to claim him as our own. After all, we've got a 50/50 shot.

Also.. I don't know why Congress won't LISTEN to me about my brilliant bailout plan. Instead of mindlessly dumping $700 million into the auto industry, why doesn't the gov't just buy $700 million dollars worth of cars?? With a stipulation they must be delivered by a certain deadline that would surely create jobs like mad, and the car companies would get the money they requested, and then the government would have... oh, around 35 million cars. Personally I think they should then distribute these cars for free to any middle class American family who does not currently have a car. I say middle class because I constantly see that group screwed over time and again when it comes to benefits, by actually working just a bit too hard to qualify for welfare and just not quite being able to live comfortably like the wealthy. Plus, there's really no point in giving cars to poor people who can't afford to insure them anyway.

Of course, my idea is going unheard. The government obviously thinks its a better idea to just blow that 700 million and get nothing in return. Our government, whether Republican or Democrat controlled, is just completely absurd. I hope my son is an Anarchist.

Also, I think everyone on welfare should be required to also be on birth control. Seriously, it is ridiculous how many unfed children these people cram into tiny welfare offices and then let their disgusting kids crawl and spittle all over the few available chairs thus forcing an 8 month pregnant girl to stand crammed between two grossly overweight mothers who don't understand "excuse me" because it was said in English.

Granted, that might seem a bit hypocritical given my situation but the thing is I wouldn't be starving or homeless if I didn't have government help, I'd just have to actually work full time instead of being lazy and letting the government pay for me.

Plane crash today.

I don't think anyone died, lots of broken bones and hypothermia, b/c it crashed into water.

I haven't been following these things that closely anymore but it still gives me that old, eerie feeling every time I hear about a big airline disaster. I don't know why.

In other, more upsetting news, two parents in New Jersey got their kids taken away from them for naming their son Adolf Hitler and their daughter Aryan Nation.

The issue came to attention when the parents went to a bakery and ordered a cake for their son's 3rd birthday to read "happy birthday adolf hitler." Not only did the bakery refuse to do it, they called child protective services on them!!!!!

Firstly, apart from the fact that Aryan Nation is the funniest girls name every, I thought this was a free country???? Not that I'm a fan of Nazis or whatever, but certainly you should be legally allowed to name your kids after them, if you so desire. Last I checked, the Nazi party was still a legal party in the US if you so chose to register yourself that way..

So that's pretty fucked up. Makes me want to name my son Charles Manson.

It started snowing Sunday, December 14th. Since then, there has been snow on the ground every single day, and snow falling from the sky at least a third of those days. We got up to a record breaking 18 inches of snow on the ground officially, while unofficially out here where they called in the National Guard we easily had over 2 feet. We had a White Christmas, with snowfall and everything, and also a White New Years, and even though the rain is threatening to melt the snow from today, it still covered the ground with a fresh inch and left me happy.

I am very pleased that there has been snow around for 21 straight days. This is what a REAL winter is. For once, Oregon isn't pussing out on the season.

I would like one more huge snowstorm and a few ice storms, and I will consider this winter a raging success. We've got a good 75 days left of winter so I have high hopes.

Yesterday we had rain, snow, hail, thunder, sun, wind, and ice all in one day. It was awesome.

Anyway I'm going to go watch a movie called Microwave Massacre now, because it sounds beyond awesome.

SOMEBODY UPDATE BECAUSE I AM BORED AND I CANT GO OUT AND PLAY IN THE SNOW BECAUSE MY HAIR IS WET!

Also I want to play rummy.

Let's see.

Today I went to Costco and saw many many people stuck in the snow.

Then we came home, I put on 5 layers of clothing, and we went sledding. Adam's makeshift sled was fail, so we had to share mine.

It is a bitch to walk up hills in 1 foot of snow.

Now it is snowing again. Win.

I think I would do well in Minnesota. I can handle this kind of weather. I'd also do well in Fiji. I like tropical sun.

In a few minutes we're going out to dinner and to see a movie. This kind of weather (a blizzard) doesn't keep us stuck at home.

My computer says it is 19 degrees outside.

THIS is what I'm talking about, weather. WIN!

There's over a foot of snow in places where it has drifted, and it has come down steadily all day turning the streets white. I got stuck actually while driving home from Gresham. Well, by stuck I mean I missed the green light cuz my car wouldn't go forward over this pile of snow in the intersection so I had to back up and go straight instead and then make an illegal turn to get to where I needed to go.

Once again, on the worst weather day of the year, I was out with no chains and no car insurance on a social call. Went to see the wife. Except then she had to go to work, in a BLIZZARD. Also, we did some light Christmas shopping.

I want to be snowed in tomorrow. Sounds cool.



ETA: Just to keep myself updated, if I ever look back on this to remember "just how bad was the weather then?" it's gotten pretty bad. I'd say the snow drifts are easily up to 3 feet in places. It's lovely.

The freezing rain has apparently started. I remember that ice storm forever ago where everything sparkled like crazy for days. I liked that.


Also, we ordered pizza for delivery tonight. Hahahaha. I had to call 3 places to find someone who would deliver. I didn't even want pizza. I just wanted to be a douchebag.